Anorexic girl… trapped

anorexic-girl-trapped11_wuafbaResistance is the key word for today. Lots of judgement and resistance. I drew the same picture twice. This one is called Anorexic girl…. trapped. This is not my favorite picture, but I can’t help but notice this picture really shows the emotion behind the image.

Her shoulders are tensed up around her ears… all that resistance in her mind is fighting the dreaded realization. She is trapped in the habit of minimizing and punishing or denying the need to nourish her body. Although this is a painful moment, it is the beginning of healing.

Our body reflects the mind’s control and when we see it (this is grace), we can come to realize that we are not this control. There is something else that is not the mind, that can witness this with detachment. Here is where the freedom lies. I can choose to be or do something else. The liberation here is exhilarating. The trick is to stay vigilant, so we do not become fooled again into accepting the mind’s control as status quo.

It’s quite interesting the resistance to anything the mind judges to be difficult or unacceptable, and honestly, it is because of this resistance that I have been unable to draw or write lately. Resistance to exposing myself, fear of technology, guilt because I should be doing something else – anything else – studying, cleaning, working on my relationships, etc.

Thank goodness we are so much more than just the mind that limits and judges. Thank God for the grace of seeing beyond our limitations and for teachers that guide us so well.

-Teresa

In seeking truth and connection, I found drawing

lady-behind_wuafbaThis lady is a revelation.  She is amazing, not because of her appearance, but because of the state of mind I was in when I drew her.  In my mind, I often separate this part of my life (drawing the body) from the rest of my life, but today it was not possible.  My life and emotions and fears seemed very powerful.  I even dreamt about my problems, after doing much work to see beyond them.  I was really worried.  There must be an answer…. some clarity somewhere… something I must need to see and hear. I tried to write, to find some solace through words; actually, I  have been doing that since Friday (and for years before Friday).  My emotions have been forgotten often this weekend, but they reappear with vengance later.

So, I tried to draw and that was a microcosm of my life – couldn’t find the right thing to draw – couldn’t draw  the woman I wanted to draw, because I am severly lacking all I need to draw successfully.  I am not sure how  (divine intervention, grace, perhaps), I started to draw another woman in the same picture.  She became a focal point. Everything disappeared in the lines, the shadows, the erasing. No judgements, no fears, no lack of skill to stop me, no mind to stop me, I got lost in time and it was peaceful, finally.  I am not sure if there are answers to find or not, but certainly no opening is possible when trapped within the throes of the mind.

The light, the shadows, the steady flow of the line can overcome the constant chatter of the mind. Sometimes it takes divine intervention to let go of the bleak background the mind creates. If it is limiting you know it is the mind; if it is limitless you know it is the heart.

In the practice of drawing, a space opens. This much I know (and for me to admit to knowing something, it has to be strong).  I am grateful for this. I want to let you know, it  is still a struggle for me to accept this, but it is the truth. So in offering my experiences to you, I hope you can find the tools you need to open a space.  A space free from the mind.  I repeat –  I am not an artist but a seeker, and in seeking truth and connection, I found drawing.  I found a teacher of drawing, who could see beyond the judgements and criteria of drawing.  Someone who taught me so much more than drawing.  Yet all I learn is reflected in the practice of drawing.

– Teresa