Anorexic girl… trapped

anorexic-girl-trapped11_wuafbaResistance is the key word for today. Lots of judgement and resistance. I drew the same picture twice. This one is called Anorexic girl…. trapped. This is not my favorite picture, but I can’t help but notice this picture really shows the emotion behind the image.

Her shoulders are tensed up around her ears… all that resistance in her mind is fighting the dreaded realization. She is trapped in the habit of minimizing and punishing or denying the need to nourish her body. Although this is a painful moment, it is the beginning of healing.

Our body reflects the mind’s control and when we see it (this is grace), we can come to realize that we are not this control. There is something else that is not the mind, that can witness this with detachment. Here is where the freedom lies. I can choose to be or do something else. The liberation here is exhilarating. The trick is to stay vigilant, so we do not become fooled again into accepting the mind’s control as status quo.

It’s quite interesting the resistance to anything the mind judges to be difficult or unacceptable, and honestly, it is because of this resistance that I have been unable to draw or write lately. Resistance to exposing myself, fear of technology, guilt because I should be doing something else – anything else – studying, cleaning, working on my relationships, etc.

Thank goodness we are so much more than just the mind that limits and judges. Thank God for the grace of seeing beyond our limitations and for teachers that guide us so well.

-Teresa

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Skinny girl looking in the mirror

draw-my-body-2What amazes me is observing the way I perceive this picture.

There are so many layers, but above all,  I see a fragile young girl, she is so childlike –  I can just imagine her bedroom filled with stuffed animals…

I didn’t draw the entire image – there was also a picture of a larger girl in a mirror and  this was not her real reflection, but rather her perception of  herself.   This difference between perception and reality touches me deeply because it’s something I have struggled with for so long, it was a problem for me since I was a child.

My perception of things seemed to be dangerous and disturbing as a child but particularly when I was around fourteen years old. I saw what she sees. Now things have become less focused on the body, and more on the inner and the outer challenges in my life, and the inner and outer versions of them, which are not always the same.

When I first looked at the picture I see all that, but as I draw and paint it another perception emerges – the incredible fragility of her connection to herself.

I can’t seem to do justice to the  protruding bones, to give them the white light and the presence they have in her image… her back bone is exposed and I wonder what really is holding her up? I marvel at the complexity of the  back bone structure; the  light entwined with delicate shadows, like lattice-work.

She is stripped to the bone. She wears her hurt in her body, and I feel like I love her, every tiny little vulnerable inch of her…

She wears her vulnerability, but she does not see it, like all of us. I wonder if she could see it, would she hate herself  for being so weak? Vulnerability appears to be and is judged as weakness to so many people, myself included…

At times, as I paint, I feel like I just want to hold her and fill her up with the compassion I feel as I touch her with my pencil or brush. I am not an artist, I struggle with my mind’s idea of technique, but my need to just express and try to recreate what I see becomes stronger than my fears of inadequacy.

They finally disappear in my need to express what touches me…..Thank God for that!

– Theresa

Yoga girl

drawmybody7_wuafbaStraightness and light, these are the things that stand out for me in this image of her.

Three hours and God knows how much paper I’ve gone through – and still I see the imperfections in my rendition of her image.  The mind is relentless.  I am in awe of the light on her body.  The hollowness of her stomach; she is like me, striving for perfection.  It almost seems like she is trying too hard to be straight, I want to soften that intensity and probably my own at the same time.

The vertical position of her legs and torso and the way her arms are grounded to the earth remind me of why we are here.  We need to ground ourselves to our mother earth and lift ourselves up to the heavens.  We are the bridge, we are the tunnel through which darkness and light flow.  When we stand vertically and open ourselves to receive the light, by quieting our minds, then we can bring heaven to earth.

We so need to open ourselves to changing the way we live on this earth. It seems like often we recreate hell here instead of heaven. If we can open a place in our lives where we can get past  the judgments and control, then we can become part of the change needed. Thank God I for this simple tool that is drawing that quiets and slowly changes the way we see and eventually act in our world.

– Theresa

How thin is thin enough?

How many apples?eve-pomme-1

How much tea?

How many calories can I not eat?

 

How many laxatives will I take?

How much will I allow this needy, greedy hunger?

(This child of pain and anguish)

 

I can stifle her cries with my lies about how much I eat and when

If I am forced to eat or if I am weak, I can regain this goddess of control, who rules and reigns in a prison of limits, boundaries and loneliness.

 

Each time I reach out to touch another and be fed by their love, I am disappointed.

Denial and deprivation, this is real.  These are my friends and family.  These “friends” I know and can trust.

How thin is thin enough?

 

Where does it end?

Who wins?

How do we stop?

How do we surrender to the pain?

How do we love it enough to learn from it and finally let go of it?

Where do we find the gentleness and acceptance we need?

 

Uh oh another need, so greedy, so needy

How thin is thin enough?

 

I’ve heard the best anorexic is a dead anorexic.

Why?  Because a skeleton is as thin as you can get.

How can we stop the voice of control long enough, to recognize the hollow ring of a death victory?

 

Where do we find the love, we feel we are denied, that we deny ourselves?

How do we stop the judgment, control and rejection?

How thin is thin enough?

 

I’ve heard you can never be too rich or too thin.

What do you believe?

 

– Theresa

What pains us makes us grow…

Is photographing and drawing myself narcissistic? Self-Absorbed? Vain?

Or could it become a simple, accessible way to heal from self-rejection?

For me it is definitely the second statement. I do it because I have always judged and criticized myself harshly, and drawing self-portraits is the best process I’ve found to really change my self-perspective. Usually, when I look in a mirror, it’s to check/criticize/correct, and in my never-ending quest for perfection I can always find something to fix.

wuafbaCC

I am 48 years old now and have been drawing myself for 12 years. I keep quitting and coming back to it, because in spite of my resistance, it helps. This image obsession has sucked so much vital energy from my life over the years that a part of me is really angry about it and has pushed me to act. Fortunately, there is a part of me that is able to see beyond the skewed vision of my mind and catch a glimpse of something else… an imperfect yet strong woman with a still-vulnerable little girl inside, a worthy and yes, a beautiful human being. AS ARE WE ALL…

It’s a double-edged sword in that it’s only because I want to be so outstandingly beautiful that I can possibly see myself as so pitifully ugly. And I’m not, even on the world’s terms, ugly. It’s craziness… but even crazier, our culture FEEDS this craziness!

I chose drawing because it was simple, accessible, free, and I had gentle, non-judgemental people around who encouraged me on this path even when I wanted to throw myself, them, or my drawings out the window. I am no longer shy to talk about this or show my work because I’ve had enough of falling back to the false visions and ingrained beliefs that are so harmful to my health and happiness.

We’ve agreed to only share drawings on this blog – to describe the process and invite others to try it – but I’m posting this photograph because it expresses in a single image just how much I’ve struggled with shame and fought for self-acceptance. And, because photography is  the foundation for our drawing practice.

Being old enough to remember life before digital cameras,  I must say they played a huge part in the development of this process because their accessibility lessened the cost as well as the performance aspect of photography.  My first digital camera allowed me simply to take many, many, pictures, period.

silhouetteCCWhen I began this self-image work, I took a minimum of three pictures of myself EVERY single day for nearly 3 years, and stored them in my computer. I didn’t even try to pose; most often I was balled up in shame, but over time I was able to experiment and slowly unfold my body. I eventually loosened up and even took some pictures of me dancing nude, which only I have ever seen because they were only taken for me to learn to love me.

To take self-portraits I use the timer, propping the camera up anywhere, and spontaneously throwing myself in front of the lens as the seconds tick down to the “click”. I don’t worry about lighting or backgrounds or positioning,  because taking the pictures is part of a process – it’s not about the results. In my mind, the pictures are only for drawing purposes anyways, so even if many of the photos are off-centred or unflattering, I keep them all, hoping to learn to accept myself from every angle.

But that is just the beginning – the most beautiful vision comes through when I take up a pencil and slowly transform the photographs into the simplest of drawings and later more detailed “artwork”.

Ultimately, we’re all “works of art”, just the way we are. Any other vision of ourselves is simply false.

 

– Colette

Self-Acceptance

draw-my-body-3

This picture is of me, which makes it more challenging to let go of the criticisms my mind propagates as I draw.

But with a deep breath and an open heart, I see one thing clearly:   I see the mind trying to accept – working so hard to mentally accept what the body has already long ago accepted – that I am perfect, already, exactly as I am.

I see softness and light.

I see great beauty within the design, human beings are so wonderfully made, we all are, both women and men.

We are made of love and light. I can see it distinctly when I draw and paint the body.

Drawing brings forth the basic design, the lines, the heartbeat and the body’s structure, then painting it fills it with light, the water, the gracefulness, the divine light of love.

How can I possibly hate something so beautiful?

There is a peace in this body. Usually, my criticisms and mind cover up  this peace, like the clouds in the sky.

Only through drawing and opening up can I see the truth behind the mind’s lies.

Practice, practice and more practice, help me open  my heart and see the truth. Having friends to draw with helps me too.

When the harsh judgemental clouds in my mind are so thick, I can’t find the light. I forget sometimes that like the sun, the light lives  within, it’s always there, and like the sun it shines on everyone equally. Rich or poor, black or white, good or bad. We are all lovable and loved, and this vision of myself as I’m drawing, painting my body, is real love.

 

– Theresa